Where I've Been

Well, I'm halfway through my camp experience for 2006. First session is over and I'm desperately trying to rest up before second session begins in 3 more days. I feel very tired.

Overall, I count the week a success. We had a very challenging cabin full of 15 9-12 year old boys from the inner-city areas of New York, New Jersey and Connecticut. It was a difficult week, though not without its moments of brilliance. I do have to give props to my fellow coyote counselors: Dave, the other Chris, Suzi, Shannon, Emily and our amazing group leader, Justine, and also to the invaluable help from our LIT's Ray and Richard. As a team we were able to successfully prevent our cabin from spiralling hopelessly out of control. So if y'all are reading this, just know that you rock!

So anyway, thats what I've been doing since the last time I wrote. I go back Wednesday to start the whole process over again, but this time with an older group of boys. I'm pretty certain that this will be my last post at least until I get back to Texas. Once camp starts its like you're in a different world and it becomes hard to believe that life exsists outside of the campgrounds.

Leaving and Staying

In a few hours I'll be getting on a plane headed for New York City. After 3 days frugally spent in the city, I'll be boarding a train and heading up to spend the next month at Camp AmeriKids. I have spent 7 of the past 8 summers working at camp, and I'm looking forward to another great year. I think this year might be interesting as several of my favorite camp people are unable to come back this year for various and sundry reasons. That means I'll have to develop new relationships with new people. Developing new relationships with new people is something I both love and hate at the same time, so I go into these kinds of experiences with fear and loathing and anticipation and exhilaration. But no matter how hard or easy or exhausting or whatever camp is every year, it is always an amazing experience and I always come away feeling like I've gained years-worths of knowledge.

It also occurred to me that my very first posts on this blog were about camp, too, so that means I've been blogging here for about a year. That's quite a milestone. That makes this the only journal I've ever been able to consistently keep up with for any significant amount of time. Thats pretty cool.

And finally I leave you with this: the (temporary) answer to the delimma of where I'm going. (Remember the posts about Africa and NY and California and all that?) Here it is. The answer and the reason I don't believe in making plans: I'm not going anywhere. You heard me right. I'm staying in the place that was at the very bottom of my list of places I wanted to be. Right here in my hometown. I decided to spend the next year getting my teaching certification and when I did, doors started opening up all over the place. Not that the doors aren't complete with hoops through which I have to jump, but the doors just flung open wide. I mentioned the fact that I would soon be looking for a teaching position to someone and by the next morning I had an interview. By the next week I had an offer from that district as well as another. And all that without sending out a single application. So now I am spending a considerable amount of energy getting all my papers and credentials and transcripts and whatever else in order. And for at least the next 9 months I will be a middle school math teacher. It seems like a good step. I will feel more equipped when I decide to go teach in Africa and it will afford me more opportunities if I end up in California or back in NY. I can start making a grown-up salary and I'll be able to get assistance paying off my student loans. So into the classroom I go. Wish me luck.

The Big Event

As much as it pains me to admit it, my 10 year reunion ended up being lots of fun. A few more people showed up to the dinner and dance that I hadn't seen at any of the other events. So it was fun catching up with them. I danced (not a suprise to anyone who knows me well). I got to find out about several people I had wondered about over the years. I was even a finalist for an award: Most Changed (for the Better) Since Graduation. I'm not sure if that means I was a loser before or what, but I guess I'll take it. I didn't actually win, but I was one of the three finalists.

And for those of you who have been reading the reunion saga from the beginning, I achieved my catharsis (do you achieve catharsis or do you receive it?). Sometime during the weekend, I quit worrying about those people that had the power to make me feel insecure or inadequate. If I wanted to dance, I danced. If I wanted to laugh and be stupid I did it. I realize they may have still said things about me, or looked down their noses or whatever, but I really didn't care. I still don't care. Hopefully it will last. The people who I value seem to genuinely value me, so why does anything else matter? And so concludes my 10 year reunion experience.

The Picnic

Event #3 of the Palestine High School class of 1996 reunion (I skipped event #2, remember) was a family picnic at Reagan Park. I enjoyed this event, because people brought their little (and not so little) kids with them...and if you know me even a little bit you know that I get along better with kids than with people my own age.

I tried to get there late (again) and ended up being one of the first ones there (again). I ate lunch before I got there, though, because eating outside attracts bees, wasps and stinging insects...and if you know me even a little bit then you know I DON'T get along with bees, wasps and other stinging insects.

Anyway, I felt calmer on the inside this time. All the feelings were still there, but they weren't right on the surface. Tonight is the big dinner and dance function. Sounds like fun. I'll let you know.

The Verdict

Where were all the fat people? I was counting on everyone gaining weight or something. With few exceptions, all the girls looked exactly the same. I didn't recognize any of the guys. It was kind of odd really.

I did learn that my pre-reunion emotional storm was quite common, especially among my group of friends. I also learned that it was shared by "those people" except I think for different reasons. I think they had weird emotions due to things they had done in school. We had weird emotions due to things that were done to us. Does that make sense? Anyway, most of the people I was looking forward to seeing were there, so that was good. Most of the people that I was dreading seeing were there too, but they seemed not to see me or know who I was (what else is new) so that actually worked out ok.

All-in-all, there were no disasters and I have no regrets about going, so thats good. Tomorrow there is a golf tournament (which I will be skipping) and then a picnic (which I will probably attend) and then the "big event" dinner and dance which I also plan to attend. I'll let you know how all that goes.

T Minus 3 Hours

Are the feelings surrounding high school reunions universal? The first event in my 10 year high school reunion begins in about 3 hours, and though I've decided to go (I think) the storm of emotions and feelings that have been churning inside ever since I got that reunion packet several weeks ago is raging on. On one hand (and for anyone counting this post is likely to have a lot of hands), there are people from high school that I would definitely like to see and catch up with. On another hand, there are probably MORE people that I really would like to avoid at all costs (I know it sounds harsh, but this is my blog and I can say what I want). There were a lot of mean and hurtful people that I grew up with that seemed to spend our entire school lives making sure everyone knew they were better (richer, more beautiful, more popular, more athletic, whatever, whatever). On one hand I know now (and actually knew then) that these attitudes were born out of their own insecurities and were simply tools crafted and used in an attempt to make themselves feel better. On the other hand, while I doubt they ever made themselves actually feel any better, I know they succeeded in making TONS of people feel much, much worse. And even though I know that they are probably MORE insecure than the people they hurt and in a lot of cases they weren't even aware of what they were doing (and I'm also aware that I may have been unaware of the fact that I was having the same effect on other people, though I PRAY thats not the case), they still hurt. And I hate it that 10 years later I find it difficult to be around these same people (even though most of them seem overly nice now...which causes even more conflict) without feeling very uncomfortable, uneasy...basically the way they worked so hard to make others feel in school. I mean I know that my worth is independent of those people, and very few people I've met in my adult life can affect me like that. So why is it that these people (who are really minor leaguers compared to some of the people I've met in my adult life) still trigger these stupid feelings? I suspect it must be some sort of habit or learned response. How do you counter those again?


But forget about all that. Then there is my completely insane but impossible to repress impulse to compare myself to everyone else. Again this whole process is laden with conflict. First of all, I don't think my personal standards and goals look anything like 98% of my graduating class, so there is really nothing to compare: I don't want to be married; I want kids, but not right now; finding a fulfilling job is more important to me than having lots of money. So why is it that tonight and tomorrow I will allow myself to feel inadequate when people seem to have things that I don't even want in the first place? Its just crazy. I don't like it when my emotional side and my analytical side argue.

So anyway. I'm trying to frame this whole experience in my mind as an adventure, as a study in sociology, and as a possible therapeutic excersize. I'll let you know how it turns out. And for those of you who have already been through this... was your experience similar? Did you survive? Regrets?

Who I Was

To be honest, I think using these quiz things on my blog are kind of like cheating, but the fact is I really, really love psychological and personality analysis, so this could definitely get out of control without a few boundaries. So with that in mind I am imposing the following very bendable rules on myself: 1) No more than 1 quiz per month; and 2) I will try to relate them to something relevant going on in my life. Is that cool?

The quiz for June is inspired by my impending 10 year high school reunion which is coming up in like 2 more weeks:

Arty Kid

Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique. You're probably a little less weird these days - but even more talented!

Who Were You In High School?

So I think it seems pretty accurate. Especially the part about being less weird and more talented... What do you think? (Those of you who knew me back then.)

A Cool New Way to Give

Check this out! I stumbled across this search engine today that donates money to the charity of your choice every time you search the internet. It's powered by yahoo and there are lots of charities to choose from. Boys Hope, Camp AmeriKids and Inivisible Children are all on there, and you can also see how much money each organization has earned so far. So if you're not too attached to your current search engine then why not go ahead and help out a cause by doing something you do everyday anyway! Here's how it works:

GoodSearch

1. Go to www.goodsearch.com (which is powered by Yahoo!)
2. Designate your favorite charity as the charity you support
3. Since GoodSearch shares its advertising revenue with charities and schools, every time you search the web at GoodSearch, you’ll be earning money for your charity

You can keep track of how much we’ve earned by clicking on “amount raised” once you designate us as your organization of choice. The more people who use the site, the more money we’ll earn, so please spread the word!!

So see... It's as easy as that. I've already done a couple of searches with it and it seems like a pretty good search engine. Give it a try.

If Only I Had a Dollar For Every Time...

Aw, man. This page has now been viewed over 1000 times. Admittedly, 300 of those views are probably mine, but still the remaining 700 views by all of y'all are awesome! Thank you for holding out hope that someday I might write something truly worth reading. You guys are the best.

It's Just How I Talk

I came across this test, which I find very interesting. It's probably not quite accurate, because some things I say different ways depending on my mood or where I am, but I tried to pick the way I usually say it. Anyway, here are my results:

My Linguistic Profile::

70% General American English

20% Dixie

5% Yankee

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

You Mean You STILL Haven't Seen the Movie?

Now you can watch it online. Go here:

Global Night Commute

So on Saturday, Bethany and I went to the Global Night Commute in Dallas and with a few hundred other people walked about 2.5 miles from the campus of SMU to a church that had a big baseball field. Once at the field we wrote a letter to the president and a letter to one of our senators. After that we went to sleep on the baseball field. The next morning, we walked back to SMU, got in our car and went home.

The whole event was symbolic of the daily commute that thousands of children in Northern Uganda make every single day just so that they can sleep in a place where they are fairly certain that they will not be kidnapped, brutalized and forced to serve as soldiers in a war with no point and seemingly no end. The purpose of the event was to draw the attention of law-makers and everyday citizens to the on-going crisis.

Today I watched the news as a different nation-wide protest/march took place. Initially I was frustrated at how today's protest seemed to dwarf the demonstration of April 29, in both sheer numbers and media coverage. But then I remembered why a cause like this one is so important. The children in Northern Uganda are truly powerless. They don't take to the streets in protest, but in an attempt at survival. And if they did, who would care. They can't scream for "justice" because they are too busy praying for mercy. And if they did scream, who is there to hear.

I care. I hear. I'm doing what I can. To those of you who would say, "But there are so many other things closer to home that need attention." I would ask what have you done to support one of those causes. To those of you thinking, "You are pretty arrogant to think you can do anything for children you don't know on the other side of the world," I would leave you with the following two quotes from the book White Like Me by Tim Wise:

You do not do the things you do because others will necessarily join you in the doing of them, nor because they will ultimately prove successful. You do the things you do because the things you are doing are right. (originally written in a letter to Mr. Wise from Archbishop Desmond Tutu)

I have no idea whether anything I say, do, or write will make the least bit of difference in the world. But I say it, do it, and write it anyway, because as uncertain as the outcome of our resistance may be, the outcome of our silence and inaction is anything but. We know exactly what will happen if we don't do the work: nothing. And given that choice...I will opt for hope.

And finally as for further personal motivation, I look to the Bible:

Matthew 25:34-46

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

41"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

46"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

Oprah Must Be Reading My Blog

Ok, so maybe she's not reading it, but she IS having the filmmakers of Invisible Children on her show on Wednesday, April 26, so if you're home or if it's not too late to set your TIVO/VCR, then don't miss it.

California Addendum

Since writing California Dreamin', I've discovered that I actually know 2 more people living in California. My good friend Lady Lucia (hey, Lucia!) now lives in LA. She's a singer. She's really good. Check her out. And one of my high school friends, Amber lives in San Diego. She's a rich doctor. Ok. She's not rich. That might come in about 20 years or so... maybe... depending on the direction American healthcare takes in the next few years. Anyway, she is a doctor. (Hey, Amber!). I just wanted to post this in a spirit of inclusion.

To Do

Hey, y'all. I'm wearing my bossy activist hat again today. Here is your to do list:

1. Check out this video. (You'll laugh.)
2. Then check out the invisible children website.
3. Get your hands on the invisible children dvd and watch it if you haven't already. (You'll cry.)
4. Join with others in your community to give voice to otherwise voiceless children by attending a Global Night Commute in your area on April 29.

California Dreamin'

So on to the next destination in my journey to discovering my journey: California. I've decided recently that I need to live in California for a little while before I die. Why California? I'm not sure. I don't think it is because of that song by Baz Luhrmann that was popular back in 1999, although I'm sure it carries some influence. And while the mild temperatures are a big time plus, I don't think that's enough to really draw me, either. No, I think the real reason is because there was a time in my life when I said, "I will never move to California. One day California is going to break off and fall into the ocean!" And whenever I say "never" you can pretty much bet that I'm gonna end up doing exactly what I was nevering about.

So I can hear you asking, "Yeah, but what is there for you to do in California? Do you know people there? Do you have a job?" If you can hear yourself asking those questions, then you are not like me. You need a plan. You need security. You need to make well-thought-out, smart, safe decisions. I don't need that. I need to get there. I need to see what all my options are and try several of them out. I need to learn new things about myself. I need to get stuck doing a job I would have never dreamed of, and then know whether I love it or hate it. I need change and challenge. But since you asked...

Possible options for me in California are: working at Boys Hope, going to grad school, working at a surf shop. I know nothing about surfing, so for now we'll set that one aside. One of the graduate schools that I've been considering is in Oakland. It's called Mills College, which is actually a women's university. Hey, Tom Hanks got his start at a women's university, why can't I? Actually, they allow men into their graduate programs so I won't have to get a wig or special order any size 12 heels. The program is to learn to be a Child Life Specialist, which I think will be a great job for me, but I'm not quite sure yet and so I'm not really ready to commit the time or money. However, that is on the back burner.

My other likely option is to work for Boys Hope, a non-profit that I previously worked for while I was living in NY. They have homes in San Francisco and Orange County, and while I came dangerously close to burning bridges with BH when I left, I think there is still a tightrope I could walk should I decide to go that route. I DID love the program and mission of BH. And the boys I worked with while I was there are AMAZING and to this day I value the relationships I was able to build with them, most of whom are now in college. So I could do that again.

And since you asked, I do know a few people in Cali. Some of whom I actually met while working at BH (hey, Sarah and Kelli), one I met while working at Camp AmeriKids (hey, Jenny) and a guy that I graduated high school with and whom I cyber-stalk because he is a budding filmmaker and actor and I think that is awesome (hey, Bill. Just kidding about the cyber-stalking...sort of). Anyway, three people (and two of them native Texans) spread out all over the state of California seems like a support system to me. And besides if I get into any trouble, Arnold will save me.

So, the way I see it with a very minimal amount of work and planning, California is quite a feasible option for me. And who knows I may love it... or I may hate it, but then I'll know. But either way, Baz, I'll be sure to wear my sunscreen.

I'm Gonna Be An Uncle...Again

Well, Jonathan and Kristin (my brother and sister-in-law, for those non-related readers) found out this past weekend that they are gonna have a kid. It will most likely be named after me. Lots of people name their kids after me. So that is cool. I say "Again" in the title because I'm actually already an uncle thanks to my sister's step-son (hey, Drew) and that counts, so if anyone says it doesn't I'll block you from my blog. But this is the first time I'll get to be an uncle during the pregnancy and birth of the little niece or nephew (I'm betting on nephew), so that's exciting.

Jonathan and Kristin's other new addition is the new blog that they coincidentally started up right before they found out they were pregnant. I'm sure there will be all kinds of boring pregnancy stories over the next nine months followed by all kinds of awesome pictures of the baby (including some of the baby being held by me) which will make it worth hanging on for the next nine months to get to the good stuff. Anyway, you can check it out by going here. You can also click the link over in the links section to the right. So far Bethany hasn't started her own blog, but when she does, I'll let you know.

My Advanced Global Personality

Hey, y'all. I took this Advanced Global Personality Test (I LOVE these kinds of tests) and here were my results. What do you think? Diana, I'm only 43% anti-authority. How do you like that? My favorite one is Self-Absorbed: 36%... I must have misunderstood a few of the questions or something.

Just for a little analysis, my top seven categories were: Religious, Physical Security, Stability, Artistic, Narcissisim, Adventurousness and Individuality. My bottom 8 categories were: Hedonism, Romantic, Change Averse, Dependency, Histrionic, Materialism, Wealth and Hypersensitivity. I'll take that.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 56% Stability 76% Orderliness 43% Accommodation 56% Interdependence 43% Intellectual 63% Mystical 50% Artistic 76% Religious 90% Hedonism 16% Materialism 30% Narcissism 76% Adventurousness 76% Work ethic 50% Self absorbed 36% Conflict seeking 70% Need to dominate 56% Romantic 16% Avoidant 50% Anti-authority 43% Wealth 30% Dependency 23% Change averse 16% Cautiousness 56% Individuality 76% Sexuality 50% Peter pan complex 43% Physical security 90% Physical Fitness 57% Histrionic 23% Paranoia 43% Vanity 70% Hypersensitivity 30% Female cliche 43%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Public Service Announcement

For all of the local readers of my blog, I want to make you aware of a very special event that will take place April 9 (Palm Sunday) at the Palestine Civic Center at 6:30 PM. The Anderson County Community Choir, in conjunction with the Anderson County Children's Choir and the Anderson County Civic Orchestra (I think I got all those names right) will be presenting a musical contata entitled "The Rose of Calvary". I'm singing bass and Mom is singing alto. Although the adult choir has been singing together for a few years, now, this will be the first appearance of the Anderson County Children's Choir. I heard them practice tonight and they are really pretty good. So if you are in the area or have unlimited time and resources and can fly out from wherever you are, I hope to see you there. Oh, and did I mention its FREE!

Exhibit B: New York City

As promised- and I know you are all on pins and needles waiting for this entry- I will now continue to explore the possible options for what's next. If you are new to my blog (and let me tell you, new readers are rolling in by the hundreds) I would suggest scrolling down to the entries entitled "Green Day" and "Blogger Envy and the Case for Africa" and doing a little background reading before finishing this post.

So. New York. What can I say about NY. For anyone who doesn't know, I made NYC my home from January 2002 until May 2005. I managed to live in three of the five boroughs, worked five different jobs, met some of the most amazing people in the world, and tried out for three popular competitive TV shows (Star Search, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, American Idol) . But all that instability is very draining. It drains you emotionally and it drains you financially! So in May, due to some health issues and to the fact that I was facing another apartment/roommate/job change I decided it was time to walk away from the city that I love so much.

But I need you to know that I still love NYC and I have every intention of moving back there someday, once I figure out how to raise my earning potential. Currently, with the job market the way it is, my Bachelor of General Studies (with an emphasis in Biology) degree just doesn't bring home the type of paycheck necessary to live in NYC. Unless, of course, you are willing to work 70 hours a week and live in the spare bedroom of a strange married couple or rent a room the size of a closet from someone who smokes a joint or two a day and eat a steady diet of egg-drop soup and Whopper Jr's from Burger King. To some of you this may seem quite worth it. While I was doing it, it was definitely worth it. But after a while, when that Broadway show you wanted to see comes and goes and you had to miss it because not once during the entire run of the show did you have enough money for a ticket, or despite the 70 hours you worked at your two separate jobs you still had to call home to borrow some money to pay the rent, or you spend another gorgeous spring day inside your apartment, because even though you have enough money to get to Central Park, you don't have enough to get back... After a while, you start to wonder why you're really there.

Don't get me wrong. I loved it. I would unequivicably do it again in a heartbeat. After all, for every thing I had to miss out on due to low funds, I had 10 amazing experiences that I wasn't looking for. And being totally honest, if I hadn't had the aforementioned health complications (or if I had just had health insurance), I would probably still be there now.

But I'm not. I'm here. Waiting patiently. And planning. Plotting my eventual and triumphant return to New York City!