Are the feelings surrounding high school reunions universal? The first event in my 10 year high school reunion begins in about 3 hours, and though I've decided to go (I think) the storm of emotions and feelings that have been churning inside ever since I got that reunion packet several weeks ago is raging on. On one hand (and for anyone counting this post is likely to have a lot of hands), there are people from high school that I would definitely like to see and catch up with. On another hand, there are probably MORE people that I really would like to avoid at all costs (I know it sounds harsh, but this is my blog and I can say what I want). There were a lot of mean and hurtful people that I grew up with that seemed to spend our entire school lives making sure everyone knew they were better (richer, more beautiful, more popular, more athletic, whatever, whatever). On one hand I know now (and actually knew then) that these attitudes were born out of their own insecurities and were simply tools crafted and used in an attempt to make themselves feel better. On the other hand, while I doubt they ever made themselves actually feel any better, I know they succeeded in making TONS of people feel much, much worse. And even though I know that they are probably MORE insecure than the people they hurt and in a lot of cases they weren't even aware of what they were doing (and I'm also aware that I may have been unaware of the fact that I was having the same effect on other people, though I PRAY thats not the case), they still hurt. And I hate it that 10 years later I find it difficult to be around these same people (even though most of them seem overly nice now...which causes even more conflict) without feeling very uncomfortable, uneasy...basically the way they worked so hard to make others feel in school. I mean I know that my worth is independent of those people, and very few people I've met in my adult life can affect me like that. So why is it that these people (who are really minor leaguers compared to some of the people I've met in my adult life) still trigger these stupid feelings? I suspect it must be some sort of habit or learned response. How do you counter those again?
But forget about all that. Then there is my completely insane but impossible to repress impulse to compare myself to everyone else. Again this whole process is laden with conflict. First of all, I don't think my personal standards and goals look anything like 98% of my graduating class, so there is really nothing to compare: I don't want to be married; I want kids, but not right now; finding a fulfilling job is more important to me than having lots of money. So why is it that tonight and tomorrow I will allow myself to feel inadequate when people seem to have things that I don't even want in the first place? Its just crazy. I don't like it when my emotional side and my analytical side argue.
So anyway. I'm trying to frame this whole experience in my mind as an adventure, as a study in sociology, and as a possible therapeutic excersize. I'll let you know how it turns out. And for those of you who have already been through this... was your experience similar? Did you survive? Regrets?
1 comment:
I know that this is an old post, but I was reading it and it remided me of highschool and I just wanted to say that I thank God over and over many times that I left my hometown when I did (9th grade) and that I will never be faced with a reunion there. There were people there that I really liked but most of them were in the class above me. I felt weird and stupid and mildly insane (really) around the majority of people I knew there. I hope that in that I was not hurtful, although I know I was a couple of times. In any rate, your cathartic experience sounded very refreshing and I hope it has lasted.
Post a Comment