The Big Event

As much as it pains me to admit it, my 10 year reunion ended up being lots of fun. A few more people showed up to the dinner and dance that I hadn't seen at any of the other events. So it was fun catching up with them. I danced (not a suprise to anyone who knows me well). I got to find out about several people I had wondered about over the years. I was even a finalist for an award: Most Changed (for the Better) Since Graduation. I'm not sure if that means I was a loser before or what, but I guess I'll take it. I didn't actually win, but I was one of the three finalists.

And for those of you who have been reading the reunion saga from the beginning, I achieved my catharsis (do you achieve catharsis or do you receive it?). Sometime during the weekend, I quit worrying about those people that had the power to make me feel insecure or inadequate. If I wanted to dance, I danced. If I wanted to laugh and be stupid I did it. I realize they may have still said things about me, or looked down their noses or whatever, but I really didn't care. I still don't care. Hopefully it will last. The people who I value seem to genuinely value me, so why does anything else matter? And so concludes my 10 year reunion experience.

The Picnic

Event #3 of the Palestine High School class of 1996 reunion (I skipped event #2, remember) was a family picnic at Reagan Park. I enjoyed this event, because people brought their little (and not so little) kids with them...and if you know me even a little bit you know that I get along better with kids than with people my own age.

I tried to get there late (again) and ended up being one of the first ones there (again). I ate lunch before I got there, though, because eating outside attracts bees, wasps and stinging insects...and if you know me even a little bit then you know I DON'T get along with bees, wasps and other stinging insects.

Anyway, I felt calmer on the inside this time. All the feelings were still there, but they weren't right on the surface. Tonight is the big dinner and dance function. Sounds like fun. I'll let you know.

The Verdict

Where were all the fat people? I was counting on everyone gaining weight or something. With few exceptions, all the girls looked exactly the same. I didn't recognize any of the guys. It was kind of odd really.

I did learn that my pre-reunion emotional storm was quite common, especially among my group of friends. I also learned that it was shared by "those people" except I think for different reasons. I think they had weird emotions due to things they had done in school. We had weird emotions due to things that were done to us. Does that make sense? Anyway, most of the people I was looking forward to seeing were there, so that was good. Most of the people that I was dreading seeing were there too, but they seemed not to see me or know who I was (what else is new) so that actually worked out ok.

All-in-all, there were no disasters and I have no regrets about going, so thats good. Tomorrow there is a golf tournament (which I will be skipping) and then a picnic (which I will probably attend) and then the "big event" dinner and dance which I also plan to attend. I'll let you know how all that goes.

T Minus 3 Hours

Are the feelings surrounding high school reunions universal? The first event in my 10 year high school reunion begins in about 3 hours, and though I've decided to go (I think) the storm of emotions and feelings that have been churning inside ever since I got that reunion packet several weeks ago is raging on. On one hand (and for anyone counting this post is likely to have a lot of hands), there are people from high school that I would definitely like to see and catch up with. On another hand, there are probably MORE people that I really would like to avoid at all costs (I know it sounds harsh, but this is my blog and I can say what I want). There were a lot of mean and hurtful people that I grew up with that seemed to spend our entire school lives making sure everyone knew they were better (richer, more beautiful, more popular, more athletic, whatever, whatever). On one hand I know now (and actually knew then) that these attitudes were born out of their own insecurities and were simply tools crafted and used in an attempt to make themselves feel better. On the other hand, while I doubt they ever made themselves actually feel any better, I know they succeeded in making TONS of people feel much, much worse. And even though I know that they are probably MORE insecure than the people they hurt and in a lot of cases they weren't even aware of what they were doing (and I'm also aware that I may have been unaware of the fact that I was having the same effect on other people, though I PRAY thats not the case), they still hurt. And I hate it that 10 years later I find it difficult to be around these same people (even though most of them seem overly nice now...which causes even more conflict) without feeling very uncomfortable, uneasy...basically the way they worked so hard to make others feel in school. I mean I know that my worth is independent of those people, and very few people I've met in my adult life can affect me like that. So why is it that these people (who are really minor leaguers compared to some of the people I've met in my adult life) still trigger these stupid feelings? I suspect it must be some sort of habit or learned response. How do you counter those again?


But forget about all that. Then there is my completely insane but impossible to repress impulse to compare myself to everyone else. Again this whole process is laden with conflict. First of all, I don't think my personal standards and goals look anything like 98% of my graduating class, so there is really nothing to compare: I don't want to be married; I want kids, but not right now; finding a fulfilling job is more important to me than having lots of money. So why is it that tonight and tomorrow I will allow myself to feel inadequate when people seem to have things that I don't even want in the first place? Its just crazy. I don't like it when my emotional side and my analytical side argue.

So anyway. I'm trying to frame this whole experience in my mind as an adventure, as a study in sociology, and as a possible therapeutic excersize. I'll let you know how it turns out. And for those of you who have already been through this... was your experience similar? Did you survive? Regrets?

Who I Was

To be honest, I think using these quiz things on my blog are kind of like cheating, but the fact is I really, really love psychological and personality analysis, so this could definitely get out of control without a few boundaries. So with that in mind I am imposing the following very bendable rules on myself: 1) No more than 1 quiz per month; and 2) I will try to relate them to something relevant going on in my life. Is that cool?

The quiz for June is inspired by my impending 10 year high school reunion which is coming up in like 2 more weeks:

Arty Kid

Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique. You're probably a little less weird these days - but even more talented!

Who Were You In High School?

So I think it seems pretty accurate. Especially the part about being less weird and more talented... What do you think? (Those of you who knew me back then.)

A Cool New Way to Give

Check this out! I stumbled across this search engine today that donates money to the charity of your choice every time you search the internet. It's powered by yahoo and there are lots of charities to choose from. Boys Hope, Camp AmeriKids and Inivisible Children are all on there, and you can also see how much money each organization has earned so far. So if you're not too attached to your current search engine then why not go ahead and help out a cause by doing something you do everyday anyway! Here's how it works:

GoodSearch

1. Go to www.goodsearch.com (which is powered by Yahoo!)
2. Designate your favorite charity as the charity you support
3. Since GoodSearch shares its advertising revenue with charities and schools, every time you search the web at GoodSearch, you’ll be earning money for your charity

You can keep track of how much we’ve earned by clicking on “amount raised” once you designate us as your organization of choice. The more people who use the site, the more money we’ll earn, so please spread the word!!

So see... It's as easy as that. I've already done a couple of searches with it and it seems like a pretty good search engine. Give it a try.